I started the coaching call the same as I do just about every coaching call: “How are you today?”
“Hi… I’m doing… fine. I’m good.”
My client gave me a nice smile and a reassurance of their well-being. I could tell that the reassurance was just as much for them as it was for me.
It was empty. And it was not accurate. They were not “fine.”
Even as I pressed a bit, asking if they were sure they were indeed okay, matching their little smile with a little smile, they said they were doing fine.
Their facial expressions, energy, tone gave it away. It was like playing poker with someone who had 4 & 6 in-hand trying to act as if they were holding 2 queens and doing a terrible acting job. I could see right through the facade.
Yet, the client was not lying to me. They were willing themselves to believe that they were fine. After all, this is a highly successful leader with a life that the vast majority of us would envy. Who are they to not be fine? So, they were lying to themselves.
The practice is called “emotional bypassing.”
Emotional bypassing is a form of denial and repression. We hold back or bury the negative or uncomfortable emotions of anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, anxiety, etc. in an effort to “bypass” those and focus on positive feelings.
Diana Raab, Ph.D. lists out a few common symptoms of emotional bypassing in a recent Psychology Today article:
- Pretending that everything is okay when it’s not
- Overemphasizing the positive and avoiding the negative
- Being overly detached
- Being overly idealistic
- Exhibiting frequent anger busts
- Being overly compassionate
The problem is that we don’t address the challenges that are leading to the emotions. Through the bypassing, we are still living our life through the stress of the situation. Our stress response signals are firing. We are not able to make the best decisions and we have a lid on our potential.
To overcome this coping mechanism, we must be honest with ourselves. It’s up to us to address whatever is causing the emotional state to be compromised.
First step is to admit and accept the uncomfortableness of the feeling. It’s from this admission & accepting that you can address it.
Having true self compassion over the situation is a great place to begin. It’s natural to feel a negative emotion over something that we perceive as negatively impacting us.
Next, you can ask yourself questions about the situation sparking the emotional response. “What meaning am I placing on this?” “How real is this really?” “What would I say to a close friend in the same situation?” “What’s another perspective or way to see this?” The goal here is to put a little distance between you and this problem. When you can see it as a separate problem that is affecting you, it becomes easier to work through.
Working through the situations that cause negative emotions, affects your well being, as well as your effectiveness and growth, you feel more free to push yourself in business and outside of business.
On that coaching call when my client was “fine” we finally worked through the issue. They were experiencing doubt over a potential hire. We were able to work through the anxiety in making an investment in their business with a much needed – although stretching – hire. Actually letting go of that anxiety gave them the inner confidence to move forward.
The next time you catch yourself saying “I’m fine” take a beat. Chances are you’re not, which you already know. Stop the bypassing, address it and let it go.