On this Friday’s Xperience Partner Call, Director of Expansion Katie Benson shared some powerful insights from a recent coaching session with her coach, Kate Patulski. We, as real estate agents, are in sales. In sales, it is necessary for us to influence others. It is important that we practice being neither inferior or superior to any other human beings whether it is our assistant, a client or our significant other. When we decide we are superior or inferior, growth is prevented, and influence ceases to exist. As human beings, when we decide there has been an injustice, we tend to think, act and communicate like we are superior. We become indignant about injustice. These eight prerequisites for influence will help you better communicate with your clients, coworkers and friends. Refer back to this list when you feel like your failing to influence others.

1-    Respect for the Other Person’s Model of the World.

We all have 2,000 bits of information flying at us every single second, a person can only grab 126 of those bits. The person next to us does not grab the same 126 bits as we do. Remember this when you are trying to understand someone else’s view of the world. Change the language you use. Use language that says I respect that you might be having a different experience than me.

Some language you can use to ask for help to understand another person’s point of view:

• Can you help me understand?

  1. Can you expand on that?

  2. I can only imagine.

  3. I can’t even begin to imagine.

2-    Resistance in the Client is a Lack of Rapport.

If a client isn’t taking your call or refusing to call you back, that is not a them thing. It is your problem. Look in the mirror and ask yourself, why your communication is having a negative effect on your client. There are no resistant clients, only inflexible communicators.

3-    People are not their Behaviors.

Separate people from their behaviors. We are always trying to change people and their behaviors. Remember what someone is doing is not really who they are, instead it is probably a program they are running. Separating people from their behavior helps for clean conversation.

4-    Everyone is Doing the Best they can with the Resources they have Available.

When we know better, we do better. Not everyone has the same resources that you have access to. We are not all pulling from the same toolkit. A person’s present behavior is always their best available choice. If we believe that every behavior is motivated by a positive intent, knowing everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have, we can have useful and productive conversations when we observe a behavior that is not resourceful.

Things you can ask yourself when you observe non-resourceful behavior:

• What might their intent be?

  1. What might they need from me at this time?

  2. How do I add value to this person?

5-    Calibrate on Behavior.

Intent versus Impact. We know our intent of our message but how did it impact the listener? A message’s impact has less to do with how you felt and more to do with you listeners behavior after you delivered your message. The most important information about a person is their behavior, what you see on the outside is an indication on what is happening on the inside. After delivering a message or having a conversation, ask yourself, what does my audience’s behavior tell me about my communication?

6-    People have all the Resources they Need to Succeed and Achieve their Desired Outcomes.

Every person is whole, complete and resourceful. If you approach every person as whole and complete, the energetic field that is created is one of empowerment. There are no unresourceful people, people only have unresourceful states. Who you are and how you show up can change someone’s state. When someone state changes, so does their behavior.

Do an ego check.

“I am not inferior or superior. I am acknowledging that this person is whole and complete and that it is felt on the other side of communication.”

7-    There is only Feedback.

There is no failure, only feedback. We cannot expect ourselves to always be perfect. When communicating you do not fail, instead you take feedback from your audience and use it to improve in the future.

8-    The Meaning of Communication is the Response you get.

The audience’s response indicates how well you communicated. If you upset someone while communicating with them, that is a feedback of how well you communicated with them. The way you left someone after a conversation is your responsibility. This one can be difficult to operate from because if you upset you husband or your assistant, their response lets you know that maybe you didn’t communicate with them in the most effective or efficient manner.

These principles are the foundation in which we build our influence. If you find yourself out of rapport go back and look at this list, use the feedback of your audience and figure out where you went wrong while communicating. Do the work. Fix the situation. Be better next time. There is no failure, only feedback.